Process of Deduction
Posted on Feb 5, 10:47 am by Wriggle Pot
Dad, I’m cold!
Stop, what are you doing? Oh, here we go again, back and forth, rocking, rocking. I wish you’d stop moving about, you’re making me feel woozy. Just put some of those cute socks you bought yesterday on my feet or something. Brrr!
Oh, you’re going to pass me off to Mum now are you? What a cop out. Mum can you put a jacket on me?
Glug glug glug
Arrgh, what are you doing? Stop! I’m not hungry! You fed me a few minutes ago! Enough with the boob already! All I want is a…glug glug glug. Glug glug glug.
Bleurgh!
Well der, of course I’m going to throw up if you keep cramming that milk down my throat. Whoah, where are we going now? Oh no, not the change table! I don’t need a change! I’m just cooooold!
Brrrr, this table’s freezing! Don’t remove my nappy, it’s keeping my toush warm! Arrrh, this is hopeless. Somebody, please, throw me a frickin’ bone here. Or preferably a woollen cardigan or some of those mittens or cute little booties everyone’s been giving me as a gift. This is infuriating!. You know what, to make a point, I’m going to wait until you remove my nappy to…
…aaah, that’s better. There’s nothing like the warmth of one’s own urine. Yeah, that’s right. Score: Wriggle Pot – 1, Parents – 0. Yeah, you wipe that up.
Oh, back to Dad again, great. Listen to me pa: wrap me up, dress me in that jumpsuit on the sofa there, anything to raise a baby’s body temperature. Uh oh, what are you doing now genius? Oh, the old over the shoulder and pat on the back trick. Terrific. Slap slap slap. Thanks Dad, keep on whacking, great. I ain’t got no wind, I just want somebody to warm me up.
Well hooray, somebody’s listening—a nice warm jumper. That’s what I’m talking about. Now at last I can nuzzle up and get some…
zzz zzz zzZ ZZZ.
